Sunday, 9 October 2011

My horoscope is uncertain if the world will end, but atleast Britney will keep dancing.

 I am yearning with desperation to catch up with my horoscope. We have not had an intimate connection for over a month now. If I was friends with my horoscope on the old Facebook, then I would start questioning our friendship around now. In order to prevent any further chances for the bonds to deteriorate.I have decided to be the bigger person and rekindle our relationship through an excessive amount of Horoscope blogging.

For those of you stumble upon this wonderful (wank) blog , I should inform you of the contents of my wonderful (wank) blog, unless you are , of course, an avid fan. Everyweek,(or in this case every six weeks) I scrutinize my horoscope in an affectionate manner. I have an unhealthy love/hate relationship with my horoscope. You will see an example of this in the current blog...

The only danger this week is that you will throw off all self-restraint and start spending money like the world is about to end. Who knows maybe it is, but more likely. The friends who value you for your generosity are the ones you can do without.

My horoscope clearly regards me as an adventorous individual, as demonstrated in previous weeks and also, in this entry. Thankfully, the only dangerous behaviour I commited during this week's entry was seemingly spending an excessive amount of money. Now, I know spending money isn't usually regarded as a life threatening activity, but boy oh boy it is! That's why my horoscope states it was the only danger of this week , as it was such a dangerous event that nothing else wild could happen...ever!!
Wait, there was a danger that the world would end  during this week. Surely, the only dangerous thing that would happen during this week, was the threat of the world ending! The world was going to end during this week? Why didn't I read this entry sooner? Then, I could have actually gone crazy and spent money like the world was going to end during this week, instead of being sat on my arse, on a daily basis, eating my own body weight in lard . I know that eating lard may seem dangerous for my health, but eating lard is not dangerous in comparason to spending money. Damn. Now I feel hopeless for not have endured some danger during the week where the world could have potentially ended, as I didn't actually spend much money...

My horoscope seems uncertain if the world would end or not, "Who knows maybe it is". Additionally, the horoscope person has forgotten to include a question mark at the end of this statement. I am presuming, from the lack of punctuation and fear of the world ending, that whoever is writing these horoscope entries is having a shit time, and wants to project their unhappiness upon their readers. One minute they say the world will end, and then the next they're not sure themselves. I would like someone to predict the future more accurately in future. I need to know when I can actually spend money like the world will end for once. I need to be affected by my horoscope entries, and live my life through my horoscope, instead of having independence. I need to feel useless. So, please horoscope, make me feel more shit in the future and tell me that the world will end, so I can spend money. I am already contemplating not spending a penny until you inform me of the apocolypse! By which point I will starve and die! Selfish horoscope.

ABUSIVE HOROSCOPE ALERT: you wake up next week and realise how foolish you have been. My horoscope is very abusive, and it hurts my soul. It informs me that I am FOOLISH like Dumbledore and Gandolf going mental at Dobby, but I do not know why I have been foolish.
Am I foolish for spending money?
 But I did not spend any money during this week.
Bad Dobby.
 Bad Dobby, for not realising my own foolishness.
I am now going to hit myself repeatedly in the head, with a broom, until I realise my foolishness. But what if my horoscope wants me to do this? Oh no! My horoscope is controlling my life. It predicted that I would be delayed in analysing this weeks entry, and therefore it subtly demands me to hurt myself. I will not give in!
But what if it's fated, and I have to hit myself until I realise my own mistakes...*cough cough cough*
This horoscope anaylsis business is turning me into a schizo. Look at all the jumbled tensions presented above...

On a final note, my horoscope wants me to be lonely. The friends who value you for your generosity are the ones you can do without.  Thankfully, I am not an exceedingly generous person. Horoscope, you lose!