Sunday, 9 October 2011

My horoscope is uncertain if the world will end, but atleast Britney will keep dancing.

 I am yearning with desperation to catch up with my horoscope. We have not had an intimate connection for over a month now. If I was friends with my horoscope on the old Facebook, then I would start questioning our friendship around now. In order to prevent any further chances for the bonds to deteriorate.I have decided to be the bigger person and rekindle our relationship through an excessive amount of Horoscope blogging.

For those of you stumble upon this wonderful (wank) blog , I should inform you of the contents of my wonderful (wank) blog, unless you are , of course, an avid fan. Everyweek,(or in this case every six weeks) I scrutinize my horoscope in an affectionate manner. I have an unhealthy love/hate relationship with my horoscope. You will see an example of this in the current blog...

The only danger this week is that you will throw off all self-restraint and start spending money like the world is about to end. Who knows maybe it is, but more likely. The friends who value you for your generosity are the ones you can do without.

My horoscope clearly regards me as an adventorous individual, as demonstrated in previous weeks and also, in this entry. Thankfully, the only dangerous behaviour I commited during this week's entry was seemingly spending an excessive amount of money. Now, I know spending money isn't usually regarded as a life threatening activity, but boy oh boy it is! That's why my horoscope states it was the only danger of this week , as it was such a dangerous event that nothing else wild could happen...ever!!
Wait, there was a danger that the world would end  during this week. Surely, the only dangerous thing that would happen during this week, was the threat of the world ending! The world was going to end during this week? Why didn't I read this entry sooner? Then, I could have actually gone crazy and spent money like the world was going to end during this week, instead of being sat on my arse, on a daily basis, eating my own body weight in lard . I know that eating lard may seem dangerous for my health, but eating lard is not dangerous in comparason to spending money. Damn. Now I feel hopeless for not have endured some danger during the week where the world could have potentially ended, as I didn't actually spend much money...

My horoscope seems uncertain if the world would end or not, "Who knows maybe it is". Additionally, the horoscope person has forgotten to include a question mark at the end of this statement. I am presuming, from the lack of punctuation and fear of the world ending, that whoever is writing these horoscope entries is having a shit time, and wants to project their unhappiness upon their readers. One minute they say the world will end, and then the next they're not sure themselves. I would like someone to predict the future more accurately in future. I need to know when I can actually spend money like the world will end for once. I need to be affected by my horoscope entries, and live my life through my horoscope, instead of having independence. I need to feel useless. So, please horoscope, make me feel more shit in the future and tell me that the world will end, so I can spend money. I am already contemplating not spending a penny until you inform me of the apocolypse! By which point I will starve and die! Selfish horoscope.

ABUSIVE HOROSCOPE ALERT: you wake up next week and realise how foolish you have been. My horoscope is very abusive, and it hurts my soul. It informs me that I am FOOLISH like Dumbledore and Gandolf going mental at Dobby, but I do not know why I have been foolish.
Am I foolish for spending money?
 But I did not spend any money during this week.
Bad Dobby.
 Bad Dobby, for not realising my own foolishness.
I am now going to hit myself repeatedly in the head, with a broom, until I realise my foolishness. But what if my horoscope wants me to do this? Oh no! My horoscope is controlling my life. It predicted that I would be delayed in analysing this weeks entry, and therefore it subtly demands me to hurt myself. I will not give in!
But what if it's fated, and I have to hit myself until I realise my own mistakes...*cough cough cough*
This horoscope anaylsis business is turning me into a schizo. Look at all the jumbled tensions presented above...

On a final note, my horoscope wants me to be lonely. The friends who value you for your generosity are the ones you can do without.  Thankfully, I am not an exceedingly generous person. Horoscope, you lose!

Wednesday, 31 August 2011

My horoscope promotes bragging as the ingredient to success.

I am quickly catching up and reminiscing with my horoscope, on the previous weeks, in order to make connections with what has been predicted.  This week my horoscope has been extremely flexible. It is usually very flexible, yet this week it is more flexible than the previous weeks ,in which it has promoted its flexbibilty. Now that is flexible! Normally I am angered by its allusive manner. However, this week it has allowed me to mould my life to the generalised account of the lion and become the naive believer of the horoscope.

There is no need to be secretive about your aims. On the contrary, the more you advertise them at the moment, the greater your chances of success. This week's triple conjunction in your birth sign between the Sun, your rule, Mercury, planet of the mind, and Venus, planet of the heart, means that the more people know what you are up to, the more likely it is you will get the support that you need- be it personal, professional or even financial. With your head and your heart working together, you will know what you want to do with your life, and you will also have the energy and amibition necessary to achieve it. And as it would seem that you can do no wrong at the moment, you can be as adventurous as you like. You don't have to go to ridiciulous extremes, but you do have to set a more enegetic pace.

Now I don't know if it's my dirty mind, or the sexual frustration which the horoscope lady possesses, but it seems to me that there are undertones that it is okay for a Leo to become a prostitute, in this week's account  .  I shall elaborate...There is no need to be secretive about your aims. This suggests that the Leo should expressively induldge in their desires. They should be free, liberated and open to opinions. What is this source of  liberation and freedom? Prostituition. Obviously I am talking about the high escourt type here- alla Belle de Whore.

There is further evidence that this week's entry is promoting the occupation ,as the conflicts of the rule (Sun) mind (Mercury)and heart (Venus) confuse the loving leo gigilo, as one debates the loving relationship they possess with their client. And of course one should openly express their desires to become a worker of the night as they need  all the  personal, professional or even financial support they can find!


Incase you haven't realised by now I am being very sarcastic in the above. I am not being weird and actually suggesting that my horoscope would promote such a career...I am simply demonstrating how applicable horoscopes are and I apologise if the above offended any of you non-existent readers. Maybe I can now determine if  I even have any readers-through such shocking words. Do I have any readers? Speak now or forever hold your peace. I can take you on a date, if you do exsist,  presuming I only have male readers...

So now I am going to very quickly apply my life to the horoscope. During this week ( the week of the horoscope entry published in this blog) I was revising for my supplementary exam-as I did not take it during the examination season as I broke my ankle the day of the exam. Therefore, during this week, I was not secretive about my frustration towards the exam which I was supposed to take three months sooner. Apparantly, the advertisement of my revision is supposed to grant me success. I am expecting a first now, as I have further promoted the fact I was revising through my blog! If ever there was a time that I would like my horoscope to be accurate, then it would be now-thankyouplease.

...the more people know what you are up to, the more likely it is that you will get the support that you need. Sadly, nobody offered to revise for me during this week. I would have been very grateful if somebody would have revised and sat the exam for me. At the very least, someone could have absorbed my revision notes into a sponge and put them in my head-ready for the exam. But no-this did not happen. Selfish wankers. I should have maybe lied about personal issues, which prevented me from taking the exam once more. I could have spoken to the professional ,who is my tutor and begged, them to take it for me. I would have  finacially bribed the examination marker -if I knew who they were. However, the time has passed now, and I cannot help but feel that the information which my horoscope has provided me with has all been recieved a little too late. I wish my horoscope would inform me to tune into my horoscope sooner for the commencing week, in order to obtain advice which is always highly original and inspiring.

Suddenly, during revision week and according to my blog, I will know what I want to do with my life and can achieve it. I can tell you that I only wanted my exam to be done with during this week's account, and hadn't even thought beyond the examination day. In spite of this, I would like to thank my horoscope for subconsciously enabling me to realise my future amibitions, and that I can fufill them,even if I do not know what they are yet. However, my friend came back from India during this week and had a psychic reading done for me, and it read that I would achieve my life amibitions in fifteen years time. So it looks like I will achieve my life goals within a decent amount of years-shame I still do not know what those goals are just yeat though- as I like to keep my aims a little bit more short term. For example, clean the house, go to the supermarket, write my blog, go to uni, see my friends, go the shops, shop, brush my teeth, have a wee, "go out, have a fag, feel alright"....

I could apparantly be adventurous as I liked during this week, in regards to my revision. Why didn't I think to scuba dive and learn my lectures during this week? Silly me! Oh-but then I am reassured that I did not have to go to ridicilous extremes, but I needed to set a more energetic pace. Hopefully a slothpace will suffice as energetic, seeing as revision is a pretty stationary activity. See if  I was actually a prostitute then I would have benefited from this week's entry-being expermintal with different clients, but not pushing it to the point that I contracted an excessive amount of veneral diseases. I guess I should have just been a prostitute during this week afterall, atleast then my horoscope would have been more flexible, and therefore more satisfying then I had originally intended. (Spot the very subtle pun/innuendo).

Monday, 29 August 2011

Appplying the Horoscope to something which is not evidently obvious.

I am delaying my retrospective anaylsis more and more.  My ungenuine and seemingly sensitive excuse follows: I like to believe I am doing this, as it provides a greater time scale for me to reflect on things which have occured, so I can truly engage with my horoscope. However, once more, I am finding myself with too many things to do which sadly distract me from discussing my horsoscopical account. *Crys deeply*...Effectively, I now have three blogs to attack, as opposed to my normal delay of two. This is not going to be an enjoyable expedition. Well, it isn't actually a journey, so it can't be an expedition...Maybe some form of metophorical journey? I am so poetic.

Another bloody long ramble of wank.


Some things take a long time to change, while others change in the blink of an eye. With Uranus, planet of sudden change, so prominent in your solar chart this week, changes over the next few days will be over and done with in a matter of seconds. One of the obivious results will be that something you once feared will no longer worry you in the slightest. Thursday's lively aspect between Mars, planet of action, and Pluto, planet of power, will both clear your mind and boost your energy, making it easy for you to choose a goal and not give up until you have reached it. However, there is also a danger that you will get carried away and push yourself harder , physically and mentally, than be wise. Be ambitious, but make sure you are kind to yourself as well.

This week's horoscope entry does not mention anything about travel, despite the notion that I went to Edinborough during this week. How dare the  horoscope of he Lion be so inconsiderate, as to  not notify all Leo's that they would be going away? The Swine! This means I now have to apply my life to this horoscope, instead of my horoscope being naturally compatable with my life...This is the last time I  make my life fit your ways!

Some things take a long time to change, while others change in the blink of an eye. We had to get up early on the morning of travelling to the land of bagpipes and whisky. This meant I had to get changed very quickly, I had to get changed in the blink of an eye , as I overslept and if I didn't get into my superhero outfit soon enough then we would miss the train. I didn't really get changed really quickly ,and I am not really  Superhero, but I had to tell a lie to make the story (I mean horoscope) fit my life. Additonally, if I was  Superhero then I wouldn't actually have to catch a train. In spite of all this, you can still call me Clark Kent.

Uranus provided a sudden change in my life. Suddenly, after a four hour long train journey, I was in Scot-land. This left me suprised. I was in a land far away from Eng-land, and the diffence in culture was very shocking to me. I was submerged into a world full of comical induldegment. My usual poliete and courteous demenour was long gone, as I was in the country renown for prosititutes and weed...My bad-I mean the mighty drug that shall not be named...Haggis. Upon arrival we consumed a heavy amount of haggis- changes were occuring with a matter of minutes-we were greeted with a culture which tainted our taste palletes. Our worlds would never be the same again. My horoscope is so wise in informing me that I would try haggis. Oh wait -it didn't tell me that I would try haggis, and I didn't try haggis. I suppose by not informing me of something, my horoscope proves to be ironically accurate?

...something you once feared will no longer worry you in the slightest. Haggis worries me deeply. However, considering the fact that I did not get to try Haggis, I cannot say that it no longer worries me. Unless my horoscope refers to the notion that I did not eat the ball of squashed sheep's guts, and in effect I am not worried by Haggis anymore, as I am not in Scotland and its presence does not threaten me? My horoscope is such a loving paradox.
Thursday's lively aspect between Mars, planet of action, and Pluto, planet of power...Thursday was the day of returning home. A combination of  the action ridden fuel of the Mar bar ,with the power of the dopey disney dog, allowed us to reach our goal-home. However, there was a hurdle which prevented us from returning home. My friend seemed to have lost her train ticket home. We had ten minutes to find the ticket, as our train was leaving in ten minutes. I asked the ticket man what the consequences would be if she could not find her ticket, as we only had ten minutes, and he told us she would have to buy a new ticket. Effectively, we tried harder to find the ticket with only eight minutes left until we could catch our train. We created a plan, my friend would pretend she had lost her purse, and once more ask the ticket man what we would have to do. Once more- her informed us that a new ticket would have to be purchased. We had four minutes to find the ticket. No ticket-three minutes. No ticket-two minutes. I went through the barrier and shouted to my friend,"Come through the barrier with me-it's our only hope!". She informed me that the barrier was weight dependent , and would not let her through. I was not going to give up! We had to reach our goal, and get home! I told her to lie to the ticket man and pretend she lost her purse, once more, and pretend she was going to buy a new ticket...Did she make it through...

...Yes she made it through. We got on the train, and after an hour of her hiding in the toilets, so she wouldn't have to face the abuse of the ticket man on the train-we were safe. Four hours later-we made it home. Thankfully, with the power of the marsbar and the soft pluto teddybear we made it home safely, and did not give up. That story truly demonstrates the accuracy/ high application levels which my horoscope posseses! It even warned us that there would be a danger that we would push ourselves physically and mentally.I can tell you now-despite the fact that I mock my horoscope on a regular basis- that train journey did seem dangerous due to the fact we feared the consequences of hiding and lying. We genuinely felt physically and mentally drained.

 I did actually eat a marsbar on the train allowed me to be kind to myself, during the ambitious my to return home. It's just a shame Pluto wasn't there to share the experience...

Tuesday, 16 August 2011

After a second delay in the creation of the Blog, I have decided that I lose interest in things too quickly...Not that I didn't realise that as a nine year old. I am already doubting creating this blog, as my horoscopes are proving to be uninspiring and predictable. Effectively, my blog entries are becoming mundane and predictable due to the predictabilty of the horscope. This is all becoming a bit predictable. In effect, I cannot help but feel what I am writing is becoming predictable...

I have been busy for the past fornight, which has prevented me from executing my blog entries. I wish my horoscope could just say to me, "You are too busy for this pointless exercise-GIVE IT UP ALREADY!". That would be a very accurate prediction-yet the entries continue to tease me with generalised weekly accounts of the future. I'm going to keep this week's anaylsis short and sweet (for the horoscope which was published just over two weeks ago) as I already feel unispired by the predictablity. Do you sense my dispair at the predictablity yet?

You will either push yourself too hard or not hard enough this week: for some strange reason you will be attracted to extremes. A difficult aspect between the Sun, your ruler, and Jupiter, planet of excess, warns that the one thing you must not do is push others into corners where they have no choice but to come out fighting. A win-at-all-costs attitude is likely to cost you more than you bargained for. And don't waste time worrying about money. Your financial position may not be as healthy as you would like it to be, but neither is it as bad as it seems. You many be decisive by nature, but with communication planet Mercury turning retrograde in the money area of your chart, this is not the right time to make far-reaching decisions about what you own and what you earn. You will gain more in the long term if you leave it well alone for now.

You will either push yourself too hard or not hard enough this week...I read something very similar to this statement  in a horoscope entry from a few weeks ago. I wonder if the horoscope person , who creates the horoscopes, simply has a a collection of automated sentences which they shuffle every now and then to bring something new to the table...I predict that by the end of September my horoscope will tell me that I am "pushing" myself "too hard", again. I am pushing myself too hard to carry out these blogs each week- and I'm not even doing them every week!

Apparantly the planet of excess was communicating with me during this week. The only thing which seemed excessive during this week was dinner I had on the Tuesday. I can remember it well. A meal for two -Indian Banquet from Tesco- made me and my friend feel like vomcanos. She vommed up the meal a week later-it was that excessively disgusting. The acidic custardy rice granules were not right. I know custard and rice is not a normal combination of flavours, but I am open to suggestions. I am all about being excessive. This did cause my friend and I to come out of the meal fighting over whose stupid idea it was to eat custard and rice. We should have stuck with our normal desires to nibble on crisps smothered in Coke...

bargained Just a mere seems as though the horoscope is all about the puns and does not take their job seriously. I am volunteering to analyse my horoscope on a weekly basis here mate! I would normally appreciate a good pun, however it is irritating when I am struggling to find something reasonably accurate amongst all of the wank that is already written in my horoscope. Fair play nobody is forcing me to analyse my horoscope, but I don't want to read waffle amongst the horoscope. If I wanted waffle I would simply read your predicitions, without the added puns...Oh balls-dropped myself it there. My horoscope is a load of waffle. Why did I not come to this conclusion sooner?

Your financial position may not be as healthy as you would like it to be, but neither is it as bad as it seems. I am not  excessively rich enough to buy all of the drugs I want to get my daily drug fix. Additonally, I am not excessively poor from all the drugs I have purchased recently. Thankfully, you can buy paracetemol at reasonal prices these days! It seems my horoscope is rather contradictive, telling me I am all about the excess one minute, and that I am an average being next. You sure do know how to make a girl feel special!

Mercury turning retrograde in the money area of your chart, this is not the right time to make far-reaching decisions about what you own and what you earn. Looks like the planet who finacially supports me turned his back on me, and left me poor this week. Or was that the standing order for my rent eating into my finances which left me poverty-stricken?

You will gain more in the long term if you leave it well alone for now. AMBIGUITY ALERT! ALERT FOR AMBIGUITY! Leave what alone? It? Does it refer to money, or my penis? If it refers to money, then my horoscope should have just said leave your MONEY well alone, and stop spending all your money in gaybars! My horoscope is so wise, telling me that I will have more money if I don't spend it, IT is aware of the interest which banks provide for their customers these days. Shame that my horoscope didn't inform me of how long I am supposed to leave my money alone for. I know we've had issues, but I cannot ignore it forever-it will start to get lonely. Money buys all of my happiness, so I am going to be sad and lonely for some time-until my horoscope permits me to touch my dollars again. Sad face :(.

After that brief and half-hearted anaylsis, I'll tell you something for nothing (keeping in with the financial based theme), I cannot wait for the shorter Leo entries to come back to me!

Thursday, 4 August 2011

Let the Leo Meet the Lion. Finally feeling a Connection.

This week's entry was regarded in retrospect to my birthday week, the week focused upon celebrating the time I popped out of my mother's mouth...As my 21st birth was such a momentous occasion, it consisted of five days worth of celebrating with boxes of celebrations, I was prevented from updating my blog due to such shoddy merriments.

I know I keep saying that I feel as though I am bonding more with my horoscope, (although I am probably sensing a greater connection with my blog) but I really feel something for this week's entry. I could go all the way with this entry...Nonetheless, as it's the entry associated with my birthday I do not want to eliminate the essence of birthday joy through my pessimistic views upon horoscopes ,so I am most likely forcing connections and building bridges. I need to be a deluded horoscope believer at some point, right? Why not make the connection with my horoscope, on my birthday week? It is most likely the only time a bond will occur with my horoscope, during the year of blogging on horoscopes, so I need to make it special. Afterall, I am still high on helium, alcohol and sugar so I can be excused for wanting a relationship with my horoscope, for this week only!

Here is a typical lion, I mean line, used to introduce people at partys,"Leo, this is Lion. Lion, this is Leo". (Pun intended- shows the connection I made with my horoscope during party week). Well I though it was clever!

P.S My birthday was July 26th, just incase any reader wished to wish me a "Happy Birthday!"

Because this week's New Moon falls in your birth sign, it looks like a special week, the kind when self-belief makes all things possible. It's also the kind of week when, if there is a new direction that you want to explore or a new way of life you want to experience, little things like lack of money must not hold you back. Besides, with the added benefit of intelligent Mercury moving in your favour on the financial front you should soon be able to find a solution to any cashflow  problems. Venus, planet of love and harmony, in your sign from Thursday, adds the final touch to a near perfect week, in which you feel at one with the world. And if the world does not feel at one with you, well, not everyon can be as gracious and giving as you are. Just make sure you don't give too much-your reserves of love are not unlimited.

It looks like a special week, the kind when self-belief makes all things possible. Last week...last week was a special week. I had the most enjoyable birthday, and I don't normally like birthdays. My friends and family were the ones who made it special, so I do not know where self belief comes into play. However, I did arrange my birthday meal... trip to the theatre... and birthday party... I would not have had a special week , if it wasn't for my own self-belief in being able to make a few plans and contact a few friends. Sorry, I couldn't stick to the gushy stuff for too long!

 Little things like lack of money did not hold me back last week. Daddy paid for my birthday meal ,and my yacht, new horse and porche. The trip to the theatre to regarde Le Lion King  had already been paid for (I know- I could have been more intellectual and seen Shrek the Musical). In addition, my party had offically made me bankrupt. Therefore, lack of money was not an issue, as I was already skint in favour of my birthday week. Horoscope- you are so flexible this week. Maybe your predicitve accuracy compensates for my lack of funds? Well, I want my money back! front you should soon be able to find a solution to any cashflow  problems. OH HI PAYDAY! OH HI BIRTHDAY MONEY! OH HI DEPOSIT BACK FROM MY OLD FLAT! These wealthy events occured during my birthday week. I do not feel like emphasising the predictive pattern anymore here.

Venus, planet of love and harmony, in your sign from Thursday, adds the final touch to a near perfect week, in which you feel at one with the world. My buffday Parrrtttttttyyyyy was on Thursday, and I touched everyone there. I was hoping it would turn into a mass orgy, but sadly this did not happen, so I could not entirely feel at one with the world.Nonetheless, the planet of love arrived on Thursday in a bundle of love, due to the presence of my friends at my PARRRTTYYYY!! If I had not have felt hungover on Friday, then it would have been a near perfect week as I would have felt like a daisy at one with the world. I felt at one with my guts, that's for sure. Guts-World-same difference.

And if the world does not feel at one with you, well, not everyone can be as gracious and giving as you. Nobody is as gracious or as giving as me, so don't give me that one! You condescending entry. I jest. I am pretty sure everyone felt at one with me on Thursday. Afterall, I was dressed as Mr Blobby for my Party, and everyone has a fetish for Blobby. Nobody could keep their hands off me. Mr Blobby is so gracious in his presence and giving of his chubness. Therefore, nobody is as giving as me. I don' take it back, as I did suggest a Blobby orgy on several occassions!

Just make sure you don't give too much-your reserves of love are not unlimited. But Blobby's chubbess is unlimited, so it is all good.

I  finally felt at one with my horoscope during my Birthday week. It obviously did not want to be an individual who did not feel at one with me, or feel less giving than me. It was finally so caring...Selfish horoscope. That's right it's all about you. You always have to steal my thunder. Just when I thought we were at one, because it was my birthday week, we are acutally at one because you want to be better than me! We are over!!

Same time next week??

Wednesday, 3 August 2011

Reach for the moon and you'll hit the stars. Oh HI horoscope positivity...

Hello to all my avid fans out there !!If I actually have any fans out there, I might have to create my own fan page for a little extra publicity.I know you have missed me. Again, I am most likely just talking to a vaccum in cyberspace, a vaccum which wants to eliminate my blog. Alas, after being busy sorting out celebrations for celebrating popping out of my mothers fufu for the  21st time, I return to my blog.

It feels as though I have been busy doing nothing for the past two weeks. It must be because I have been very busy with my new boyfriend, or should I say imaginary boyfriend?  He has prevented me from regarding five sentences that predict my life for the week ahead. Stupid imaginary boyfriend!! I am pulling your leg by the way, I just wanted to pretend I was one of those girls who blames everything on their boyfriend, and considering I am single I had to create a pretend boyfriend for a few moments in order to forge some lame excuse. Despite being a bit weird, I am not that weird!

I need to catch up on two horoscope entries in two days, as I need to execute the most recent anaylsis this weekend ,since I am buggering off to Edinburgh for a bit next week. The stress of writing two blog entries in two days is crucifying me, I just do not know how I will do it. I am so stressed! How will I do it? Oh yeah, I've started one of them now. Thankfully, I deal with stress exceptionally well. I have the abilities to birth a baby elephant and complete an exam in karate ,whilst smoking a kebab, so this blog dilemma is a breeze...

My horoscope entry for the week commencing 17/07/2011 oozed an exceptional amount of positivity. It wasn't particulary predictive, nonetheless it had an attitude which injected me with the attitude of "YOU GO GIRLFRIEND". Therefore, I am going to embrace this week's entry. It made me feel reasurred in life, as I was becoming such a broken indiviudal due to stresses involving what to have for dinner.

As one cylce ends so another begins, and with the sun your ruler, moving into your birth sign next Saturday, this would be a good week to relinquish your hold on things you no longer have use for. The more you dispense with now, the more space you will have for something better in the weeks ahead. What other people think, say or do is of no importance-only one person's opionions matter and that person is you. What you do- or don't do- over the subsequent four weeks will set the tone for the rest of the year, so make sure they are as good as they can be. The best way to end your solar year is to look back on the things you have done over the past 12 months. What matters most in life is not that you win the game or make a million pounds but that you learn about yourself. So, what have you learned?

On first impressions, this horoscope entry seems very eager for me to commit my time to household chores. It hints at me that I should wash my clothes, tumble dry them, and then put another load of washing in...As one cylce ends so another begins. I have been doing two loads of washing within an hour recently, it's so clever how my horoscope predicted that I would become domestic Goddess. I cleared out the fridge and kitchen cupboards the other week, The more you dispense with now, the more space you will have for something better in the weeks ahead, maybe this suggests that the mouldy apples in the fruitbowl will be replaces with pomegranates soon enough. I tell you something readers...I cannot wait to have pomegranates in my fruit bowl! How exciting!!

OH MY GOD! I just had an ephinany. I think the horoscope entry for this week has just revealed my secret identity... I am the Goddess Persephone!!There are clues. It encourages me to be a domestic Goddess, and put Pomegranates in my fruitbowl...Do you see where I am coming from?? I am coming from a saratirical viewpoint, that you can apply anything to a horoscope and make your monotonous life fit a few vague sentences. Sorry,  I just wanted to prove how my horoscope is still remaining very secretive. I want facts and figures. Will I meet Hulk Hogan at 2.13pm on a Wednesday next week, whilst at the cinema? You cannot? I will not put my faith into my horoscope until incidents similar to this are predicted and experienced.

What other people think, say or do is of no importance-only one person's opionions matter and that person is you. So, if one of my friends says that they are deeply depressed, I am supposed to reply ,"Go away, I do not care about you, as I am very important."? In all seriousness, I understand that is not what is implicated here, I have done something which fits this statement recently involving my my own interests. Yet, I am not going to write it in this in my blog as I do not wish to jynx it. How ironic?! The only time my horoscope seems accurate, and I cannot express what has occured. 

 What you do- or don't do- over the subsequent four weeks will set the tone for the rest of the year, so make sure they are as good as they can be. Considering, it has only been two weeks since this entry was published, I cannot yet determine if what will set the tone for the rest of the year has occured. On the other hand, it may involve what I cannot speak about. It's like I am too afraid to mention the name VOLDERMORT or something. Even that was less scary, then jynxing my future life plans. The threat of mentioning the name of the scary mythical  wizard Voldermort ,I mean real, feels less worring then what I cannot name! Don't worry readers, I haven't killed anyone or done anything illegal. Well not that I know of...

 The best way to end your solar year is to look back on the things you have done over the past 12 months. I did have to do this  a few weeks back, in order to get back the tax that I over paid from my last job, so this is rather accurate. Although, fundamentally all stories consist of nostalgia, as they are based in the past. Therefore, I/ we always look back over the past 12 months, especially when we have birthdays coming up. Horoscope- you are so intelligent for determining that I had a birthday coming up in late July, considering you are a horoscope sign which is associated with birthdays located between 24 July-23 August.

What matters most in life is not that you win the game or make a million pounds but that you learn about yourself. So, what have you learned? Thanks, thanks a lot! I am presuming that this means that I will always be a loser, and will never have an excessive amount of money in life. However, my life is okay as I know who I am. Horoscope- you need to hold yourself back on the cliches. You really know how to make a girl feel special. Anyway, what have I learned? That I am sexy and indepedent like Ciara, and my goodies stay in the jar. Additionally, I am able to deal with the pressure of writing two blogs in two days. If I have time to write my other blog tomorrow...

Tuesday, 19 July 2011

The stars welcome me to a mundane future.

This weeks entry implied that I should embrace a simple life, suggesting less is more. I defeated my horoscope last week. I finally looked into its non-existent eyes , ignored its authority, and led the most wild life style. Lindsay Lohan would be sooo jealous of my sick behaviour! I forced drugs into the orifices' of individuals who denied me access to their areas (their basements you pervert!), I performed disgusting acts with tramps and animals (these acts included cuddles- again you are so repulsive for thinking that- if Freud was still alive I would advise you to see him), and took some inspiration from Ke$ha and brushed my teeth on a daily basis, with a bottle of Jack Daniels. That last part was true...

Let's cut to the chase-time to get down to business. (I enjoyed my use of cliche phrases there, I am becoming quite the writer).

By the way, did I ever tell you that I put the BUS in business? No, probably not, I just always wanted to put the "word" in another "word"...Sorry.

Under no circumstances push yourself too hard this week, even when doing things you rather enjoy. The full approaching Full Moon warns in no uncertain terms that you must take better care of your health. No matter how ambitious a Leo you may be, if you take on too much over the next few days you will regret it. Be kind to yourself.

The one thing that I enjoy the most in life is socialising. I would say that I have an alright social life, pretty average actually, I interact with approximately thirteen friends on a good day. However, this number plumbets to twelve on a good day. It's such a shame, most of these "friends" are strangers who I pay to walk alongside me whilst I carry out my chores. Therefore, I was greatly saddended when this weeks horoscope informed me that I should not push myself too much with the things I enjoy. Sounds to me like my horoscope was telling me that I should have been a bored recluse last week, as the only thing I enjoy in life is chilling with friends. Nontheless, I am grateful for this advise, I have needed permission to be a lazy hermit for quite some time. I just never thought it was socially acceptable to ignore everyone in my life, especially the people I don't know.

Surely, my horoscope should have advised me to avoid the things that I do not enjoy? I don't think I can push myself too much with hanging out with friends (as they are all very dull individuals), unless my friends were planning on consecutively pushing me over, which would injure me...if I didn't have abs of steel!! For future reference, I advise my horoscope to advise me to avoid the things I do not enjoy. It should have told me to avoid my hospital appointment. Last Wednesday, I woke up to go to the hospital, waited two hours, in order for the doctor to consistently inform me of his name, "My name is Andreas, my name is Andreas, my name is Andreas, My name is Andreas". "Sorry, what was your name? I didn't quite catch that!" Then, as fast as you can say ABRACADABRA he told me that my broken ankle was fixed. I wasn't expecting that diagnosis, considering my ankle had six weeks to heal, and the healing time had terminated...I will never get those two hours back. Did my horoscope mention something about my health? That's right you must take better care of your health. I think my horoscope should have said, " you must take better care of your time". Thanks for the tip doctor, you must have gone to the same med school as ANDREAS.

 You must take better care of your health. I have been running lately. Is that a healthy activity, which promotes good health? Oh, but then this weeks entry told me that I shouldn't push myself too much. How much healthy activity is enough for my health?My horoscope is a stationary contradiction. I believe this suggests I should run, but not to the point that my hips hurt, knees lock, and muscles ache. Uh-Oh It's too late now. My hips did hurt, my knees did lock and muscles did ache last week. I really regret exercising last week. Running three times last week has to be one of my greatest regrets in life, seeing as my broken ankle is no longer broken. Maybe I would have regretted it more if my ankle was still broken...

No matter how ambitious a Leo you may be, if you take on too much over the next few days you will regret it. They say you regret the things you don't do, not the things that you do do. If I never regret anything, how am I supposed to learn. I guess my horoscope, is trying to protect me whilst resurrecting the sheltered life my mother forced upon me as a teenager. Last week, I went to a private gallery viewing which has enabled me to make contacts for future work experience. If I listened to last weeks entry when it was published I would have taken it very seriously, and I would have not attended the viewing, as I would not have wanted to face the consequences of pushing myself into new opportunities. It's a shame I have ambitions. Additionally, I shouldn't be revising for my exams in August , as I need to shove everything in my head the night before. I will regret revising at a steady pace much more than cramming my head. Oh, and I really regret going out for my friends 21st Birthday , who lives an hour away from home, and going to my part time job the next day. My friend will be 21 forever, yet my weekend job is a once in a lifetime opportunity. I am so stupid. I suppose I had best listen to Robbie Williams "No Regrets" to cushion my mental turmoil.

The kindest thing I did to myself last week was ignore this horoscope, and regard it retrospectively. Oh, wait, I do that everyweek. DAMN!! My life sucks...

Monday, 11 July 2011

The Lion Needs to Mingle with the King of the Pride.

This week my horoscope has informed me that I need to let important people know that I am alive. Should I phone up the prime minister and let him know I am still walking on this planet? I am sure it will help him sleep better at night, afterall he has recently been highly concerned about  my existence.

I am already becoming rather disheartened with my horoscope entries,( although I have been since the start of this blog...sssh, don't tell anyone) simply because nothing exciting is being predicted for me. However, this could simply be a reflection of my boring life. I am not doing anything which oozes a vast amount of excitement, in order to distract myself from wanting to anaylse the mundane predicitions of my horoscope, on a weekly basis. On the other hand, I could be  furious at the notion that my horoscope is not representing my constant desires to live a life fufilled with extreme sports, and other activities which promote adrenaline pumping times. I would like to believe that the latter was factual...

Now back to the good part.

The Lion's entry, once more, for the week commencing 03/07/2011

If you thrust yourself forward this week, if you make sure that powerful people know you exist, you might just be rewarded with a powerful promotion. Even if that does not happen, you will atleast get your name recognised, and then it can only be a matter of time before bigger and better offers come your way.

If I did not access this weeks horoscope, with the past in mind, I would cry excessive amounts of rivers. It would have left me feeling like a failure, as I come to realise I am unable to access the life of which I dream. I often desire "powerful people" to promote me, as a twenty year old student who works part time as a waitress...It's doubtful that the managers of the future industries , of which I desire to be employed by, will keep me in mind for employment by the time I graduate if I keep sending them photos of me and my dog. I suppose I had better work on my tactics.

Nonetheless, there has potentially been a morsal of truth in this weeks entry. HAZARR!! Last week, I was very proactive, productive and...pretty (I was trying to get a list of three together, alongside some alliteration, for lingusitic effects). If you thrust yourself forward this week, if you make sure that powerful people know you exist, you might just be rewarded with a powerful promotion. I was supposed to be volunteering at a gallery last wednesday, which I did execute, although due to my subconscious eagerness I almost attended an additional session on the Monday.  Monday morning- I awoke at 7.00am in order to hit the train for 8.30, so I could hit the the destination 40 minutes away from home, to ensure I hit the gallery for 9.45am. I arrived at my destination on time, had a celebratory wee, and then checked my rota to ensure I was in on monday. My rota said to me, "Oh Hi Liz, you are most enthusiastic! You are not volunteering until Wednesday". This made me want to hit myself. I wanted to rip up the rota like the hulk, as  I felt it had decieved me like a bad person in a Shakespeare play. Then, I desired to burst into a solioquy about how I had actually decieved myself... I should have gone to the gallery regardless of my extreme punctuality, if we are to study my horoscope ,as I could have left a wonderful first impression and been instantaneously promoted. However, I was in dreamland , thought ,"sod that" and decided to hop  on the train home. If we put this into context of my horoscope, I almost thrusted myself forward that week.

if you make sure that powerful people know you exist. I sent around six emails, regarding work experience in galleries, two got back to me. Some people must really like the photos of me and my dog which I am sending out. Can't say I blame them, my dog is an attractive canine. Here, I feel that the horoscope has encouraged me to do well. However, as I am regarding this entry in hindsight, I cannot support it's encouraging behaviour, as I have been productive upon my own accord. If the if was not included in the statement, and the horoscope said, "you will make sure..." then I would have greater faith in this entry, as it would have predicted my future, and I could regard it as evidence that there is an oracle out there. However, that poorly scheduled if makes the horoscope seem too indecisive. It almost doubts itself about what will happen in my future, so it provides me with possibilities so it can cover its' back incase something does, or does not happen.

Even if that does not happen, you will atleast get your name recognised, and then it can only be a matter of time before bigger and better offers come your way. Sadly, one of the galleries declined my application, as they currently have no vacancies. But they ensured me that they will keep me on file.This supports the horoscope's entry, as they have an email which has been signed with my name. Everyone recognises the name Elizabeth, even if it is just because it's the Queen's name and not actually my name... I will probably harass them again, in order to ensure they remember my name, and have me stomping around their vicinity in no time. Otherwise, I could be the best thing they never had-que Beyonce.  On the other hand, the second gallery have offered me a little bit of experience,and invited me to an opening night. Maybe the the first rejection, is an indication that the second response provides a bigger and better offer. Could my horoscope be telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth for once? Nah, it's probably my own productive self that has openened  up a few windows of opportunities.

Just before I seem that I am supporting this week's entry all lovingly like a deranged lady encouraging her son to eat screws for breakfast, there was a second if  in the opening quotation (see above). It seems like I was not supposed to be promoted afterall. My horoscope just does not seem to want to support me!! The horoscope of the lion sits on a throne of lies. Now where is the Lion's pride in that?! Beyonce is more supportive of me then my own horoscope- she encourages me to be an independent lady. Whereas my horoscope lives me feeling sensitive and vulnerable.

Saturday, 2 July 2011

My horoscope only encourages me to think.

Just taken a quick ganders at my horoscope , from the previous week, and I am disappointed. I am as disappointed as a child (or adult for that matter) when they get their chops around a big fat icecream cone ,and the icecream decides to end its life , choosing a destiny where it will be surrounded by ants. That's my horoscope right there! My horoscope is a gigantic infestation of ants. To put it simply, and cut it short without any further exaggerations,  last week's entry  promotes depression for the courageous lion.

This week's entry, once again, encourages me to think about life. In 50 weeks time, I will fester in thoughts about this blog, and wish I had actually stayed devoted to a hobby when I was younger, and never even thought of creating this sodding blog!! I might as well give up!! I can already see into my own future, or is that my horoscope manipulating me to think this way?

Here we go again...

Nothing will be quite as it seems this week, so even if you know what's going on, you are advised not to make any long term desicisons because they are unlikely to last beyond the end of the week. Wait until Mercury, planet of the mind, enters your birth sign on saturday: then your eyes will open.

Okay, so I lied about my horoscope telling me to think last week. However, it does indirectly hint at thought processes ... I cannot find any quotes to prove this. Okay, so I admit that I am probably feeling bitter about the fact that the above entry was too poetic, and cannot be anaylsed to the extent which I desire.

Let's break it down again, shall we??

Apparantly this week I have been  living in the land of make believe and "nothing" was "quite as it seemed", and even if i knew what was "going on", "long term" plans would not last "beyond the end of the week". I might be a little criticial in what I am about to say (or write-depending on how predantic you are) but, long term plans are not set on a weekly basis. Long-term plans occur accross a few years. Therefore, I cannot take this entry seriously, as it does not make sense...I know I took that a bit too literally, but you have to admit, that's a rather mystical description, right? At what point was I making the plans? What were these plans? It would be nice to have a little bit more input ,so I could actually applaud the brilliance of this horoscope. On second thoughts, I did not make any life-changing plans this week.  Horoscope - you are wrong! Unless these plans invovle the blog once more, and my horoscope is sending me subliminal messages to stop writing...naaaah.


Additionally, I  am never clued up. I do not understand what exactly "seemed" to be occuring this week. I never "know what's going on" in peoples lives. Maybe, this entry just  gives  me a  general overview of my clumsy nature, helping me come to terms with my ditzyness.( I am not defending the horoscope here- it hasn't commited to it's weekly duty- general life summary does not count!). Also, people tell me on a daily basis that I am a dope, so I'm pretty self aware.  In all seriousness though, "nothing" is what is seems. I don't really want to get too deep but we all have different perceptions of things, and hear'say tends to be innaccurate,so our view on life can be distorted from time to time. However, this week wasn't really one of those moments in life. This week, I would have been clued-up at a game of cludeo.  I wasn't convincing myself I was rich, I wasn't convincing myself I was successful, and I wasn't convincing myself I was a man with gigantic schlong. Although, I would like to be a man for a day...

 Today is saturday. Saturday is "Mercury" day. I don't really know what Mercury entails, but it invloves the "mind",and I will accept it. I am presuming something groundbreaking was meant to happen today, involving plans, and the seemingness of life. However, today I simply sent emails to do with voluntary work in galleries. Unless, these galleries end up contacting me with an internship for the following year after applying today, then I will remain cyncial towards this entry.

 In hindsight, my horoscope for the 19/06/2011 said I would be thinking that week, so maybe this week I was supposed to be more proactive?? But, I am not sure if sending out five emails in two hours counts as a "doing" activity for the week...Oooh ooh, just remembered my ankle cast came off this week though, so I can do more now. Don't know how that slipped my mind, like slipping on a banana skin. Awful pun intended. There is ,seemingly, light at the end of the tunnel. Or is that just an abundence of glow worms hanging out at a dead end ,luring me into a false sense of security?

I am starting to think this horoscope stuff is for uberly gullible people,and people who want to adapt their lives to text which creates an allure of destiny. All of this "go fourth and think" malaracky is probably a subliminal message from the actual horoscope ,telling those who believe this stuff to think about getting lives, instead of waiting around for the hollow predicitions to come true.

Monday, 27 June 2011

First Vison of Cynicism

Today is the grand launch of my blog dedicated to horoscope analysis. TARDARRRRR!! I hope to be the envy of mystic meg this time next year...I already have a fringe, and my mom has black hair, so we're practically all the same person in our visions of the future. Although, I am really aiming to scruntizie the powers destiny associated with the solar system- I don't wish to gaze into a crystal ball and predict my future. Therefore, I want to be mystic meg's enemy, the chalk to her cheese in some form of fashion.

Yesterday I read my horoscope, for the week commencing 19/06/2011. As I previously stated, I am regarding these readings in a retrospective manner, in order to confirm/deny any sense truth that they may possess.

This is what was written under the Lion-ROAR.

The sun enters the most sensitive area of your chart this week, so don't be suprised if your get-up and-go gets up and walks out of the door. This is, however, an important time of year for you because what you decide in the days ahead will form the basis of your reality for the next 12 months. It's a time or thinking not doing.

The notion I am physically unable to "get up and go" right now, due to a broken ankle, suggests this entry seems highly accurate, demonstrating that horoscopes predict our future. Job done. No more effort needed for this week-got off to a good start...I am being sarcastic by the by, just incase someone thought I was as naive as a child in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. The quote which I quoted,  demonstrates  the flexibility of horoscopes, and how one can mould their personal experiences to fit a little bit of writing ,due to the notion some of us are crazy enough to believe in the magical essence of destiny.

In regards to the fact that my current decisions are going to base my reality for the next 12 months, could potentially be something to do with this blog... I will post each blog on "Twitter" and everyone in the world will read my entries, then a film will be made out of my blogs, then I will become famous and meet the Queen because of my blogs, take over the world and eat a slug. Okay, so none of that will really happen...apart from the slug part. Hmmm... In "reality" we all day dream and try and set targets for the "next 12 months", it stops everyday life from being boring. I cannot really think of anything which happened last week that heavily inspired me to face reality for the up and coming year...I got accepted to help volunteer at a gallery, maybe that will promote future gallery prospects? Although, previous gallery experience helped me acheive that position, allowing a snowball of experience to develop...I am already a sceptic.  

It's a time for thinking, not doing. I am an individual, who is a student, with a broken ankle. Somebody might want to connect the dots with this one (I haven't been able to do anything, or anyone...). It's so reasurring that this entry has been able to consolidate and comfort me during my current disabilty, really pushing me to think to the limit, so that I aspire to transform into an emo. Afterall, I have been thinking about being an emo for quite some time, maybe this week I will become an emo. I feel like I should marry this entry, it knows me so well... Again, we all think, it is impossible not to think. You should try not to think, it is impossible not to think. It is impossible not to think. It's harder to do, then it is to think. Thanks horoscope for being so encouraging!!

The quote It's a time for thinking, not doing is only a tiny bit vauge. It doesn't consider to explain exactly what us Lions were aiming to "do" last we. Were we thinking about doing housework? Were we thinking about doing some bangtidy person? Or were we just thinking about stuff which we were not supposed to do , because the solar system says the time wasn't right?? It would be nice if the horoscope could have been a gentlemen and specifically informed me about what these thoughts entailed, as those thoughts probably enter my head on a daily basis. In hindsight, I was thinking about cleaning the flat last week, and I did clean it today. Therefore, maybe I have simply regarded that quote as evidence which justifies my laziness.

To sum up, this week I haven't really been able to cuddle my horoscope entry. We haven't really made a connection ,in order to prove my destiny, yet. It was a bit vague, it didn't really tell me much, and seemed quite mysterious. I'm hoping next week it'll be more generous, so I can start trusting it's ambitions for me!

Saturday, 25 June 2011

Mr Blobby is a bad Superhero.

I feel like I have never  been truly able to complete a project, or consistently dedicate myself to a hobby since primary school, cue "these are my confessions" by Usher. When i was a child (not running through the night) I quit every extra curricular activity by the age of  9 , according to my parents, which seemingly stimulated my interests. Dancing was too repetitive, Art lessons were too structured, Netball was too competitive and Keyboard lessons appeared too controlled. I would love to be a big fat liar and pretend that by the age of 20 I have finally been able to dedicate my time to something , like a degree, and complete it.

Hmmm, maybe not.

It has recently dawned upon me that I should be graduating this year, however after dropping out of uni after completing half  of a psychology degree I am at the end of my second attempt at freshers...again. Oh no, wait!! Sorry I can actually lie. I haven't even finished  first year yet, which makes me wonder if I was supposed to complete my first degree. This has really got me questioning fate. So, I suppose I'll be rolling with  the freshers a little bit more than Tinie Tempah... Tinie Tempah eat your heart out.

Let me tell you a story, which might piece together my very deep mindset *cough* *cough*.

I went home to revise during the exam period, as I know I have no will power, and if somebody says "YO! Wanna party like it's 1999?", I will say "Sure, let's call up some hoes and go WILD!!". Annnd I didn't really want to fail my second attempt at finishing a degree. (Now back to the good part.) On the eve of  1st June 2011, I was feeling rather positive, the sun was in my head beaming thoughts of joy and jizz, as my final exam of first year was the following day.Although, sadly my brain wasn't internally booming out "the sun has got it's hat on". What was the reason for this ecstacy? Excessive amounts of viagra...Or the fact my exams were finished on June 1st. I was so so so so very excited that I decided to clean the kitchen - insane ,right? You'll have to hold me back. I'm Wild.  The antics of Lindsay Lohan have nothing on me!! I decided to empty the bin, alongside my adventures of cleaning the kitchen, and skipped lovingly to the BIG BIN, which resides outside. On my journey to the BIG BIN, I felt my ankle go a little wobbly. It went a little more wobbly...a little more wobbly...It went so wibbly wobbly that it went CRACK. And I was left outside lying on the ground fearing a complementary attack from vultures. Who would save me?!

After shouting "DAAAAAD", "DAAAAAAD", "DAAAAAAD", for 5 minutes, Mr blobby finally came to the rescue. However, I was so terrified I would bounce of his blobbyness and fall over and destroy my ankle a little more, I transformed into a kangaroo and hopped into the house. Once inside, I placed my buns on a cushiony surface and stared at the potato which had engulfed my ankle. I knew it was broken. I sat down for about an hour, in denial, thinking, "I have an exam tomorrow, I have an exam tomorrow, I have an exam tomorrow".  Eventually, I stood up. OH THE PAIN!! My ankle felt as though some devil creature was plucking each bone out of my foot. It was time to go to the hospital, at approximately 11.00pm.

To cut a long story short...(I know, I know, this story hasn't been long enough yet) Mr Blobby and I discovered my ankle was broken  ,at 3.00am in the morning. Then, we were informed that I had another appointment at 11.30 am  ,on the same day, which was delayed, which meant I couldn't take my exam at 2.00pm, which meant I couldn't finish first year, which meant...I couldn't finish first year!!

I digress.

What was the point of all that wank??

The whole point of that wonderfully complicated story, is that I wish  to use it as a base that has questioned my opinions towards the notion of fate and destiny.  I have not been able to finish first year, which has made me question if i was supposed to complete the psych degree, alongside my abilities to ever complete a task. My mixed emotions towards fate and destiny have inspired me to try stick to  a "hobby", which doesn't involve running, knitting or studying grave stones...I know someone who does that.

I have decided that I will execute a blog once a week. Every sunday for the next year, I will write a horoscope based  blog. I want to determine if whatever is written under the Lion's status ,in the same weekly magazine which accompanies my dad's favourite sunday paper, actually occurs,  or if I simply mould my life to the account of the Leo. In order to prevent bias , I am going to read  my horoscope a week later to prevent myself from bending the horoscope to fit my life. The Temptation will be imense.

I feel this is a bit of a psychological experiment. Could it be a sign I was actually supposed to finish my psychy degree and become the female Darren Brown??

Probs not.