Tuesday, 19 July 2011

The stars welcome me to a mundane future.

This weeks entry implied that I should embrace a simple life, suggesting less is more. I defeated my horoscope last week. I finally looked into its non-existent eyes , ignored its authority, and led the most wild life style. Lindsay Lohan would be sooo jealous of my sick behaviour! I forced drugs into the orifices' of individuals who denied me access to their areas (their basements you pervert!), I performed disgusting acts with tramps and animals (these acts included cuddles- again you are so repulsive for thinking that- if Freud was still alive I would advise you to see him), and took some inspiration from Ke$ha and brushed my teeth on a daily basis, with a bottle of Jack Daniels. That last part was true...

Let's cut to the chase-time to get down to business. (I enjoyed my use of cliche phrases there, I am becoming quite the writer).

By the way, did I ever tell you that I put the BUS in business? No, probably not, I just always wanted to put the "word" in another "word"...Sorry.

Under no circumstances push yourself too hard this week, even when doing things you rather enjoy. The full approaching Full Moon warns in no uncertain terms that you must take better care of your health. No matter how ambitious a Leo you may be, if you take on too much over the next few days you will regret it. Be kind to yourself.

The one thing that I enjoy the most in life is socialising. I would say that I have an alright social life, pretty average actually, I interact with approximately thirteen friends on a good day. However, this number plumbets to twelve on a good day. It's such a shame, most of these "friends" are strangers who I pay to walk alongside me whilst I carry out my chores. Therefore, I was greatly saddended when this weeks horoscope informed me that I should not push myself too much with the things I enjoy. Sounds to me like my horoscope was telling me that I should have been a bored recluse last week, as the only thing I enjoy in life is chilling with friends. Nontheless, I am grateful for this advise, I have needed permission to be a lazy hermit for quite some time. I just never thought it was socially acceptable to ignore everyone in my life, especially the people I don't know.

Surely, my horoscope should have advised me to avoid the things that I do not enjoy? I don't think I can push myself too much with hanging out with friends (as they are all very dull individuals), unless my friends were planning on consecutively pushing me over, which would injure me...if I didn't have abs of steel!! For future reference, I advise my horoscope to advise me to avoid the things I do not enjoy. It should have told me to avoid my hospital appointment. Last Wednesday, I woke up to go to the hospital, waited two hours, in order for the doctor to consistently inform me of his name, "My name is Andreas, my name is Andreas, my name is Andreas, My name is Andreas". "Sorry, what was your name? I didn't quite catch that!" Then, as fast as you can say ABRACADABRA he told me that my broken ankle was fixed. I wasn't expecting that diagnosis, considering my ankle had six weeks to heal, and the healing time had terminated...I will never get those two hours back. Did my horoscope mention something about my health? That's right you must take better care of your health. I think my horoscope should have said, " you must take better care of your time". Thanks for the tip doctor, you must have gone to the same med school as ANDREAS.

 You must take better care of your health. I have been running lately. Is that a healthy activity, which promotes good health? Oh, but then this weeks entry told me that I shouldn't push myself too much. How much healthy activity is enough for my health?My horoscope is a stationary contradiction. I believe this suggests I should run, but not to the point that my hips hurt, knees lock, and muscles ache. Uh-Oh It's too late now. My hips did hurt, my knees did lock and muscles did ache last week. I really regret exercising last week. Running three times last week has to be one of my greatest regrets in life, seeing as my broken ankle is no longer broken. Maybe I would have regretted it more if my ankle was still broken...

No matter how ambitious a Leo you may be, if you take on too much over the next few days you will regret it. They say you regret the things you don't do, not the things that you do do. If I never regret anything, how am I supposed to learn. I guess my horoscope, is trying to protect me whilst resurrecting the sheltered life my mother forced upon me as a teenager. Last week, I went to a private gallery viewing which has enabled me to make contacts for future work experience. If I listened to last weeks entry when it was published I would have taken it very seriously, and I would have not attended the viewing, as I would not have wanted to face the consequences of pushing myself into new opportunities. It's a shame I have ambitions. Additionally, I shouldn't be revising for my exams in August , as I need to shove everything in my head the night before. I will regret revising at a steady pace much more than cramming my head. Oh, and I really regret going out for my friends 21st Birthday , who lives an hour away from home, and going to my part time job the next day. My friend will be 21 forever, yet my weekend job is a once in a lifetime opportunity. I am so stupid. I suppose I had best listen to Robbie Williams "No Regrets" to cushion my mental turmoil.

The kindest thing I did to myself last week was ignore this horoscope, and regard it retrospectively. Oh, wait, I do that everyweek. DAMN!! My life sucks...

Monday, 11 July 2011

The Lion Needs to Mingle with the King of the Pride.

This week my horoscope has informed me that I need to let important people know that I am alive. Should I phone up the prime minister and let him know I am still walking on this planet? I am sure it will help him sleep better at night, afterall he has recently been highly concerned about  my existence.

I am already becoming rather disheartened with my horoscope entries,( although I have been since the start of this blog...sssh, don't tell anyone) simply because nothing exciting is being predicted for me. However, this could simply be a reflection of my boring life. I am not doing anything which oozes a vast amount of excitement, in order to distract myself from wanting to anaylse the mundane predicitions of my horoscope, on a weekly basis. On the other hand, I could be  furious at the notion that my horoscope is not representing my constant desires to live a life fufilled with extreme sports, and other activities which promote adrenaline pumping times. I would like to believe that the latter was factual...

Now back to the good part.

The Lion's entry, once more, for the week commencing 03/07/2011

If you thrust yourself forward this week, if you make sure that powerful people know you exist, you might just be rewarded with a powerful promotion. Even if that does not happen, you will atleast get your name recognised, and then it can only be a matter of time before bigger and better offers come your way.

If I did not access this weeks horoscope, with the past in mind, I would cry excessive amounts of rivers. It would have left me feeling like a failure, as I come to realise I am unable to access the life of which I dream. I often desire "powerful people" to promote me, as a twenty year old student who works part time as a waitress...It's doubtful that the managers of the future industries , of which I desire to be employed by, will keep me in mind for employment by the time I graduate if I keep sending them photos of me and my dog. I suppose I had better work on my tactics.

Nonetheless, there has potentially been a morsal of truth in this weeks entry. HAZARR!! Last week, I was very proactive, productive and...pretty (I was trying to get a list of three together, alongside some alliteration, for lingusitic effects). If you thrust yourself forward this week, if you make sure that powerful people know you exist, you might just be rewarded with a powerful promotion. I was supposed to be volunteering at a gallery last wednesday, which I did execute, although due to my subconscious eagerness I almost attended an additional session on the Monday.  Monday morning- I awoke at 7.00am in order to hit the train for 8.30, so I could hit the the destination 40 minutes away from home, to ensure I hit the gallery for 9.45am. I arrived at my destination on time, had a celebratory wee, and then checked my rota to ensure I was in on monday. My rota said to me, "Oh Hi Liz, you are most enthusiastic! You are not volunteering until Wednesday". This made me want to hit myself. I wanted to rip up the rota like the hulk, as  I felt it had decieved me like a bad person in a Shakespeare play. Then, I desired to burst into a solioquy about how I had actually decieved myself... I should have gone to the gallery regardless of my extreme punctuality, if we are to study my horoscope ,as I could have left a wonderful first impression and been instantaneously promoted. However, I was in dreamland , thought ,"sod that" and decided to hop  on the train home. If we put this into context of my horoscope, I almost thrusted myself forward that week.

if you make sure that powerful people know you exist. I sent around six emails, regarding work experience in galleries, two got back to me. Some people must really like the photos of me and my dog which I am sending out. Can't say I blame them, my dog is an attractive canine. Here, I feel that the horoscope has encouraged me to do well. However, as I am regarding this entry in hindsight, I cannot support it's encouraging behaviour, as I have been productive upon my own accord. If the if was not included in the statement, and the horoscope said, "you will make sure..." then I would have greater faith in this entry, as it would have predicted my future, and I could regard it as evidence that there is an oracle out there. However, that poorly scheduled if makes the horoscope seem too indecisive. It almost doubts itself about what will happen in my future, so it provides me with possibilities so it can cover its' back incase something does, or does not happen.

Even if that does not happen, you will atleast get your name recognised, and then it can only be a matter of time before bigger and better offers come your way. Sadly, one of the galleries declined my application, as they currently have no vacancies. But they ensured me that they will keep me on file.This supports the horoscope's entry, as they have an email which has been signed with my name. Everyone recognises the name Elizabeth, even if it is just because it's the Queen's name and not actually my name... I will probably harass them again, in order to ensure they remember my name, and have me stomping around their vicinity in no time. Otherwise, I could be the best thing they never had-que Beyonce.  On the other hand, the second gallery have offered me a little bit of experience,and invited me to an opening night. Maybe the the first rejection, is an indication that the second response provides a bigger and better offer. Could my horoscope be telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth for once? Nah, it's probably my own productive self that has openened  up a few windows of opportunities.

Just before I seem that I am supporting this week's entry all lovingly like a deranged lady encouraging her son to eat screws for breakfast, there was a second if  in the opening quotation (see above). It seems like I was not supposed to be promoted afterall. My horoscope just does not seem to want to support me!! The horoscope of the lion sits on a throne of lies. Now where is the Lion's pride in that?! Beyonce is more supportive of me then my own horoscope- she encourages me to be an independent lady. Whereas my horoscope lives me feeling sensitive and vulnerable.

Saturday, 2 July 2011

My horoscope only encourages me to think.

Just taken a quick ganders at my horoscope , from the previous week, and I am disappointed. I am as disappointed as a child (or adult for that matter) when they get their chops around a big fat icecream cone ,and the icecream decides to end its life , choosing a destiny where it will be surrounded by ants. That's my horoscope right there! My horoscope is a gigantic infestation of ants. To put it simply, and cut it short without any further exaggerations,  last week's entry  promotes depression for the courageous lion.

This week's entry, once again, encourages me to think about life. In 50 weeks time, I will fester in thoughts about this blog, and wish I had actually stayed devoted to a hobby when I was younger, and never even thought of creating this sodding blog!! I might as well give up!! I can already see into my own future, or is that my horoscope manipulating me to think this way?

Here we go again...

Nothing will be quite as it seems this week, so even if you know what's going on, you are advised not to make any long term desicisons because they are unlikely to last beyond the end of the week. Wait until Mercury, planet of the mind, enters your birth sign on saturday: then your eyes will open.

Okay, so I lied about my horoscope telling me to think last week. However, it does indirectly hint at thought processes ... I cannot find any quotes to prove this. Okay, so I admit that I am probably feeling bitter about the fact that the above entry was too poetic, and cannot be anaylsed to the extent which I desire.

Let's break it down again, shall we??

Apparantly this week I have been  living in the land of make believe and "nothing" was "quite as it seemed", and even if i knew what was "going on", "long term" plans would not last "beyond the end of the week". I might be a little criticial in what I am about to say (or write-depending on how predantic you are) but, long term plans are not set on a weekly basis. Long-term plans occur accross a few years. Therefore, I cannot take this entry seriously, as it does not make sense...I know I took that a bit too literally, but you have to admit, that's a rather mystical description, right? At what point was I making the plans? What were these plans? It would be nice to have a little bit more input ,so I could actually applaud the brilliance of this horoscope. On second thoughts, I did not make any life-changing plans this week.  Horoscope - you are wrong! Unless these plans invovle the blog once more, and my horoscope is sending me subliminal messages to stop writing...naaaah.


Additionally, I  am never clued up. I do not understand what exactly "seemed" to be occuring this week. I never "know what's going on" in peoples lives. Maybe, this entry just  gives  me a  general overview of my clumsy nature, helping me come to terms with my ditzyness.( I am not defending the horoscope here- it hasn't commited to it's weekly duty- general life summary does not count!). Also, people tell me on a daily basis that I am a dope, so I'm pretty self aware.  In all seriousness though, "nothing" is what is seems. I don't really want to get too deep but we all have different perceptions of things, and hear'say tends to be innaccurate,so our view on life can be distorted from time to time. However, this week wasn't really one of those moments in life. This week, I would have been clued-up at a game of cludeo.  I wasn't convincing myself I was rich, I wasn't convincing myself I was successful, and I wasn't convincing myself I was a man with gigantic schlong. Although, I would like to be a man for a day...

 Today is saturday. Saturday is "Mercury" day. I don't really know what Mercury entails, but it invloves the "mind",and I will accept it. I am presuming something groundbreaking was meant to happen today, involving plans, and the seemingness of life. However, today I simply sent emails to do with voluntary work in galleries. Unless, these galleries end up contacting me with an internship for the following year after applying today, then I will remain cyncial towards this entry.

 In hindsight, my horoscope for the 19/06/2011 said I would be thinking that week, so maybe this week I was supposed to be more proactive?? But, I am not sure if sending out five emails in two hours counts as a "doing" activity for the week...Oooh ooh, just remembered my ankle cast came off this week though, so I can do more now. Don't know how that slipped my mind, like slipping on a banana skin. Awful pun intended. There is ,seemingly, light at the end of the tunnel. Or is that just an abundence of glow worms hanging out at a dead end ,luring me into a false sense of security?

I am starting to think this horoscope stuff is for uberly gullible people,and people who want to adapt their lives to text which creates an allure of destiny. All of this "go fourth and think" malaracky is probably a subliminal message from the actual horoscope ,telling those who believe this stuff to think about getting lives, instead of waiting around for the hollow predicitions to come true.